WASHINGTON, D.C.
Citing an urgent need to modernize the force ahead of the End Times, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced plans Tuesday to eliminate roughly 20 percent of the nation’s generals and admirals after an internal review found that nearly one in five senior officers had failed to pledge MEANINGFUL allegiance to the Beast.
Described as a major Pentagon overhaul (technically accurate if you count the pentagram) aimed at bringing the top brass into full compliance with the technocratic Luciferian world order foretold by John of Patmos in the Book of Revelation and now running only slightly behind schedule.
“Most of our officers took the mark without a second thought, which is exactly the kind of thinking we reward,” said a Department of War spokeswoman. “Unfortunately the remaining 20 percent still had a conscience, and we now classify that as a readiness issue.”
“I honestly thought nobody could hear me over the smoke machine,” said Halvorsen. “Then the 90-foot animatronic statue in the courtyard turned around and said my name.”
Replacements will be drawn from a new fast-track program for officers who score in the top percentile for loyalty to Satan and the bottom percentile for having ever read how the Bible ends. (Spoiler: Satan loses.)
This article might be satire. Then again it might not be. The cuts are real and John of Patmos called the rest of it about two thousand years ago.
The Wise Wolf didn’t make the loyalty list either, so there’s no no-bid contract coming our way. A paid subscription keeps Lily and me fed, filed, and unmarked, and every share makes one general mouth the Lord’s Prayer a little louder over the smoke machine.
Help keep the Wise Wolf howling.
The line about a conscience becoming a “readiness issue” is sharp. If unquestioning obedience becomes the measure of a good officer, who is left to say an order is wrong? That’s the concern underneath the satire that deserves attention.
Fewer authorized general jobs create clearer chains of command. Work is reassigned & the savings, more practically, go to the operating force. The force is smaller than in WWII but has more general/flag officers per troop. Congress already cut authorized general/flag numbers by about 11% in 2017. The legal cap is still in the mid-800s. Recent reporting puts the cap at 857 authorized active-duty general/flag billets. Filled numbers have been just under that—about 848–851 in 2025–2026 tallies. Those figures are for one-star & above on active duty. So the services cannot keep adding stars indefinitely. To go above the cap they need a change in law or a temporary exception. Cutting or downgrading billets is how the Pentagon goes below that ceiling