ICE Barbie's Husband Is Also Barbie

I Said Something Was Off About Noem, Turns Out It Was Her Husband's Cup Size

The Nation’s Largest Security Apparatus Was Run By a Woman Married to a Balloon Pervert

I have been saying for over a year, to anyone who would listen (so, Lily and the voices in my head), that Kristi Noem is not a real politician. She is what happens when you order a Secretary of Homeland Security from the back pages of a magazine you hide under your mattress. Everything about this woman is produced. The hair costs more than your mortgage. The wardrobe changes faster than a Beyonce concert. She dressed up as a firefighter. Then a Coast Guard officer. Then a soldier. She pointed a loaded military rifle at a law enforcement officer’s head during one of these little cosplay sessions, which is the kind of thing that gets normal people arrested but gets Cabinet members a spread in Fox News.

I said she looked like a $5,000-an-hour call girl who got into government and started cosplaying as cowgirls and cops. Turns out I was lowballing the estimate.

Bryon Noem, International Man of Brassiere

On Tuesday the Daily Mail published photos of Bryon Noem, Kristi’s husband of 33 years, wearing pink hotpants and a shirt stuffed with balloons to simulate breasts while making a pouty face at his phone camera. He is 56 years old. He is the father of three. He looks like a middle school football coach who lost a bet, except he did not lose a bet. He did this recreationally.

The Daily Mail obtained hundreds of messages between Bryon and three different women from something called the “bimbofication” fetish scene, which is a thing that exists because God apparently stepped out to play eighteen holes and hasn’t checked His phone in a while. (Don’t worry. He’s coming back. And He’s bringing an army of extremely irritated angels.). Bryon told these women he wanted “huge, huge ridiculous boobs.” He asked one of them “would you ever go bigger?” He sent selfies in skimpy outfits. He said, and I quote, “you turn me into a girl.” He sent them at least $25,000 through PayPal and Cash App under the fake name “Jason Jackson,” which is the fakest fake name a man has ever chosen. You might as well call yourself Steve Americaman.

I am not making this up. I cannot stress this enough. This is real journalism from a real newspaper about a real man who was really stuffing real balloons into a real shirt while his wife was really running the Department of Homeland Security.

When the Daily Mail called him on the phone, Bryon did not deny any of it. Not the photos. Not the messages. Not the crossdressing. Not the $25,000 balloon budget. He only denied that his behavior put his wife at risk of blackmail, which is like a man treading water in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean denying he’s wet.

“The Family Was Blindsided” and Other Fairy Tales

Kristi’s spokesperson released a statement saying she was “devastated” and “blindsided” and requesting “privacy and prayers.”

Okay. Sure. Let me just put on my enormous fake breasts and think about that for a second.

You do not spend 33 years married to a man and not know he has a $25,000 fetish habit involving balloons and pink underwear. You do not miss that. This is not like discovering your husband secretly prefers Pepsi. This is a man who was photographed looking like a cursed department store mannequin and wiring money to strangers under an alias. His Cash App history alone probably reads like a ransom note.

She wasn’t blindsided. She married him on purpose.

Kristi Noem is a woman who understood from a very young age that her body was her most valuable asset and she has leveraged it at every single level of her career with the precision of a Swiss watch that happens to own a push-up bra.

You don’t marry a rich insurance mogul with a secret fetish life by accident. You marry him because a rich pervert is a useful thing to have. He funds your ambitions. He doesn’t ask questions. He has secrets that keep him compliant. And if anyone ever finds out about his little hobby, you play devastated and ask for prayers and let the news cycle do its job.

This is a woman who was already credibly rumored to be having an affair with her top political advisor Corey Lewandowski. At some point you have to stop calling these things scandals and start calling them a business model.

The Part Where Foreign Spies Are Laughing at Us

Former CIA officer Marc Polymeropoulos told the Daily Mail something that should make you spit out your coffee. “If a media organization can find this out, you can assume with a high degree of confidence that a hostile intelligence service knows this as well.”

So while Kristi Noem was running the largest law enforcement department in the country, with access to classified counterterrorism operations and border security intelligence, her husband was sending fetish selfies to strangers on the internet under the name Jason Jackson. Every intelligence agency on earth with a functioning internet connection could have found this. The Chinese. The Russians. The Israelis. Probably the Canadians, and they apologize for everything.

Counterintelligence expert Jack Barsky called it “astounding.” I would call it something else but my mother reads this newsletter.

A man with a secret married to the head of DHS is not an embarrassment. He is a recruitment opportunity. That’s not my opinion. That is how espionage has worked since before any of us were born. You find the secret. You own the person. You own the person, you own what they have access to. What Bryon Noem had access to, through his wife, was the entire American homeland security apparatus.

But sure. Privacy and prayers.

She Dressed Up As Every Profession Except a Competent One

Let me remind you of Kristi Noem’s actual job performance, since everyone is now distracted by her husband’s Victoria’s Secret audition tape.

She personally insisted on reviewing every FEMA contract over $100,000. This is like the CEO of Amazon insisting on personally opening every package. It slowed disaster reimbursements to communities that had been waiting months or years for help. People whose houses were destroyed by hurricanes were stuck in bureaucratic limbo because Kristi needed to feel important.

Two U.S. citizens were fatally shot by federal agents in Minnesota during immigration enforcement operations on her watch. Their names were Renee Good and Alex Pretti. They are dead.

Trump fired her and gave her a fake job called 'Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas,' which sounds like a straight-to-syndication knockoff of Wonder Woman that ran for six episodes in 1977 before the network realized nobody was watching and replaced it with a test pattern. It is not a real position. It is a participation trophy with a lanyard.

The Hypocrisy Is So Thick You Could Stuff It in a Shirt

This is the part that actually matters more than the tabloid spectacle.

Kristi Noem built her entire political identity on attacking gender nonconformity. She signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. She killed a state contract with a transgender advocacy organization. She banned trans TSA officers from conducting pat-downs. Every speech, every policy, every Fox News appearance was built on the idea that people who blur gender lines are a threat to your children and your country.

Her husband was at home in pink hotpants and balloon breasts asking fetish models to go bigger.

Every trans kid she targeted with policy. Every trans adult she told wasn’t welcome in public life. Every voter she convinced that gender nonconformity was a sign of civilizational collapse. She went home to a man who was doing the exact thing she told America to fear, and she funded her career with his money, and she smiled on camera the entire time.

That’s not hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is saying you’re on a diet while eating cake. This is building a political empire on the backs of people who are doing exactly what your husband does on Tuesday nights when you’re at a fundraiser. This is using real human beings as political props while living the same reality behind closed doors.

I told you something was off about that woman. I said she looked manufactured. I said she felt fake. I said nothing about her added up. I was right, and the specific way I was right involves balloons, which is funnier than anything I could have made up.

Now you know.

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I walked away from a career managing money for people who own yachts so I could write about a politician’s husband wearing balloon breasts at two in the morning. If you had told 25-year-old Wolf this was his future he would have laughed and called you crazy. A paid subscription keeps the lights on and helps Lily finish her journalism degree without taking out loans. Unlike Bryon Noem, we don’t have $25,000 lying around for extracurricular activities. Unlike Kristi Noem, we are not pretending to be something we’re not. We’re just two weirdos trying to tell you the truth.

Help keep the Wise Wolf howling.