Remembering Dolly Pardon

Our Country's Most Generous (to the Rich) President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s in mourning for Dolly Pardon this week. (Or at least the part of it he let out of federal prison.)

Most academics will tell you the greatest presidents in American history are Lincoln or Washington and maybe Roosevelt if you’re feeling generous. However, REAL Americans got their own list and Dolly’s at the top of it.

He’s the guy who proved that enough money plus enough love for the President turns the Constitution into a ‘suggestion’. (Written in pencil because it’s easier to change when it is written in pencil.)

Somebody probably should’ve seen that coming.

So today The Wise Wolf and his trusty sidekick and editor Lily are taking you on a journey showcasing some of Dolly Pardon’s ‘greatest hits’.

On day one of his presidency, Dolly Pardon released one of the biggest drug dealers in history. A guy that basically single-handedly started the Chinese fentanyl crisis in America.

Ross Ulbricht built Silk Road, basically an online drugstore (but for the illegal kind of drugs not your heart medication) with no cashier and worse customer service. A federal judge threw the book at him. Two life sentences plus forty years, the kind of number a judge picks when he wants it to double as a warning label. Dolly pardoned him on day one. Before he’d even unpacked.

Why would he pardon him? The guy is guilty. Everyone knows he is guilty. He’s responsible for thousands of overdoses and millions of addicts but he also has hundreds of millions in hidden crypto assets and it’s real freaking easy to bribe someone with a privacy coin that cannot be traced…

Almost as if Dolly Pardon had a little quid pro quo going on here and that pretty much sets the stage for all of these people in this article. All rich, all free.

‘Two lifetimes,’ Dolly said. ‘Nobody needs two lifetimes. I don’t even use my first one efficiently. So I gave him back the second one. Day one. Before the movers even left. That’s not mercy. That’s just good time management.’

Then there’s Changpeng Zhao. CZ for short. He ran Binance and pleaded guilty to laundering money for cartels and terrorists, the kind of client list that usually ends a career. He did four months. Turns out his old company and Dolly’s family crypto venture did business together right around the time that venture disclosed fifty seven million dollars in earnings. Make of that what you will.

‘I don’t know who he is,’ Dolly said. ‘I know nothing about the guy.’ Which is a strange thing to say about a man whose money is sitting right there in your own financial disclosure form.

Todd and Julie Chrisley spent years playing a rich, loving family on cable television. Turned out the fraud part was real too. Thirty million dollars of it, defrauding banks the old fashioned way. Their daughter called Dolly personally to ask for a pardon. He said yes before he’d even learned their names.

‘I don’t know them,’ he said, ‘but give them my regards and wish them a good life.’ Sure Dolly. You just pardoned them without knowing anything about their names or their crimes.

Juan Orlando Hernández used to run Honduras.

A US jury decided he’d also been running cocaine into the USA the whole time. Dolly let him go in December. He didn’t stop there. The same post announcing the pardon also endorsed the next guy running for Chief Cocaine Trafficker… errrr I mean, ‘president’ of Honduras like he’d tacked it on at the bottom. Either that’s an efficient use of one Truth Social post or the most honest thing Dolly’s ever said online.

‘If somebody sells drugs in that country that doesn’t mean you arrest the president and put him in jail for the rest of his life,’ Dolly said. A sentence that raised more questions about Honduras’s actual drug dealers than it answered.

I wrote a funny caption for this image on a napkin at a diner this morning. Then I used that same napkin to wipe ketchup off my face. I threw it away without remembering the caption was on it. So you get this instead.

Then there’s the batch of seventy seven. Rudy Giuliani. Mark Meadows. Sidney Powell. John Eastman. The team that helped Dolly try to hang onto office after he lost in 2020. Almost none of them had even been charged with anything. Didn’t stop him from pardoning all seventy seven at once. Preemptive pardons?

‘That’s not really a pardon,’ Dolly explained, leaning into the mic like a man telling his favorite story for the hundredth time. ‘That’s a pre-pardon. Like buying insurance. But for your freedom. I bought the best insurance. The best people. They’re all free. Because I’m smart. And I’m generous.’

The one name still missing from that list is Ghislaine Maxwell.

Twenty years of a federal sentence for trafficking children to Jeffrey Epstein. For once, Dolly actually showed some restraint.

Every Republican senator let a resolution pass telling him not to pardon her. Not one of them objected. His own party, on record, and against him. He still wouldn’t rule it out.

Meanwhile his own former personal lawyer is now his Deputy Attorney General. He spent two days in a Florida prison personally interviewing Maxwell about a hundred different people. Not long after that she got moved to a much nicer facility in Texas. Dolly called the whole thing ‘routine’.

‘People say, Dolly, are you going to pardon her?’ he said. ‘And I say, I’m allowed to. Nobody’s approached me with it, nobody’s asked me about it. It would be inappropriate to talk about it.’ He said some version of that sentence for over a year. Straight through a Senate vote that went unanimously against him. Reporters wrote it down every single time like it was breaking news.

‘That’s not evasive,’ Dolly said. ‘That’s just really good message discipline. Best discipline anybody’s ever seen.’

Dolly doesn’t look back on his career and see a string of legal controversies. He sees a string of love letters. Love for his friends. Love for his donors. Love for the idea that in America a big enough check buys your way out of just about anything.

‘I’m the greatest president,’ Dolly said, standing tall. ‘And I’m not just saying that. I’m saying it because it’s true. Ask the guys I pardoned. They’ll tell you. They’re all free. They’re all happy. And they’re all, well, let’s just say they’re very grateful.’

And that’s the legacy. Not in the halls of justice but in the bank accounts of the people who should have died in prison but are now walking free. Not in the rule of law but in the rule of who’s willing to pay the most to get away with whatever they did.

It’s a whole new kind of presidency. The kind where all that matters is the size of your wallet and if that’s not freedom what is?

(Editorial Lily Note: This is a short video. It is hilarious. You click the play button to watch it. (I can’t believe I have to explain this.))

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If money is the root of all evil what does that say about the people who value money more than justice?

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Just to be extremely clear, this is satire.

The President of the United States is CLEARLY not taking bribe money from extremely wealthy patrons in exchange for presidential pardons (lol…).

That would be high treason.

Treason is still technically punishable by hanging, firing squad, getting shot out of a cannon on the Fourth of July, or whatever archaic method they’d dust off for the occasion.

Everything above is a ‘joke’. A joke built out of real pardons, real dates, and real dollar figures. (Still a joke because I don’t want to end up being sued again over my work.)

The Wise Wolf runs on subscribers. This week that’s a smaller number than last week. We lost fifty paid subscribers over our series on kids getting locked up by ICE. Neither Lily nor I were shocked by that one. We lost another ten over a completely unrelated to ICE article about kids. That one was over a piece saying Lindsay Clancy belongs in prison for the rest of her life. She’s the woman on trial for murdering her three children. Turns out ‘I was really stressed out when I killed my kids’ is a defense a surprising number of self-described ‘mothers’ are willing to get behind. Ten of them happened to be paying subscribers and now they are not. We burst that bubble so they let the door hit them on the way out when they canceled.

(If you’re still reading this, you didn’t cancel over either one. That’s worth something.)

Help keep the Wise Wolf howling.