Star Trump Trek Wars

I didn't think it could get any dumber... And then it did.

I cannot keep my mouth shut about the absolute comedy gold that is this alien disclosure website. They aren’t even putting in the effort at this point. There is no way a human being in government is actually this untalented or this stupid, right? RIGHT? Please, for the love of God, someone tell me I’m right!

The Fox News ticker informed me this morning that the Pentagon has officially launched a UFO disclosure website. Naturally, being a professional seeker of truth and a guy with nothing better to do while my heart infection decides whether to kill me or just ruin my weekend, I went to check it out.

I had a fresh mug of coffee. Within eleven seconds, I had ejected most of that coffee out of my nose, in the manner of a fifteen year old hipster kid at the school lunch table after his buddy delivered a really good dirty joke. The reason I am using such an oddly specific analogy is that this exact thing actually happened to me, in seventh grade, and I have been waiting twenty years for a professional excuse to weaponize the memory in print. The Pentagon has finally given me that excuse. Thank you, Department of War.

The site is located at war.gov/ufo, and it is, to use a highly technical Silicon Valley term, vibe-coded slop.

I work with AI every day. AI is a fantastic tool for anyone who can write a competent prompt. This website, however, was not made by a competent prompter. This was made by some intern who, and I am guessing here, but I am guessing with one hundred percent mathematical certainty, opened up a chatbot and typed:

“Hey Gemini, I need a website that distracts people from the fact that my boss’s name appears in the unredacted Epstein files roughly five hundred thousand times. Make it about aliens or something. Normies love glowing trash can lids. Keep it under five bucks. Thx.”

Two dollars in token credits and a long lunch later, here we are.

A Masterclass In Not Even Trying

This is not a website. This is what a website looks like in a junior high computer lab session before the teacher realizes you’re slopping out your assignment with AI so you can get back to playing Minecraft (or Roblox or whatever it is high school kids are into nowadays.)

Every photograph on the page is a grainy white smudge against a black background, captioned “infrared still image (black hot) captured of unidentified object.” The color photos that aren’t infrared smudges have a black-and-white haze filter dragged over them, presumably to make them look mysterious. The effect is not mysterious. The effect is the default screensaver on a 2003 Dell that someone found in a dumpster.

The person who built this site definitely uses the word “Glow Up” at least three times a day in normal conversation without irony. He probably got the job by listing “Elon Musk” under “Favorite MAGA-aligned Inventor” on his resume, even though Musk has never actually invented anything besides a way to lose forty billion dollars on a social media app, and the Pentagon recruiter just nodded gravely and said, “good enough.”

To whoever you are out there in Internetland, to borrow a term from Lily, I have a message for you. I was making websites while you were probably still in diapers. I want to point out three things that are laughably dogshit about your sad web dev skills.

Three Specific Things That Blew My Sinuses Out

1. The GPS Coordinates To Nowhere (But Here)

The first thing you see is a set of GPS coordinates printed in a thin spy-thriller font: 38°52′15″N, 77°03′18″W. If you punch those into Google Maps, congratulations, you have successfully located the Pentagon parking lot.

The Department of War put the GPS coordinates of the Department of War on the Department of War’s own UFO website, printed in italics, as if the building is currently in witness protection. This is the graphic design equivalent of a guy in a trench coat sliding a manila envelope across a diner table that contains nothing but his own home address. The Pentagon is currently LARPing as a character in a video game cutscene that takes place inside the Pentagon.

2. The Bargain-Bin Jason Bourne Spy Filter

The slideshow features fifteen photos run through a filter I can only call the Bargain-Bin Bourne Movie filter. Somebody sat at a workstation and individually opened each of these photos, some of which are just normal clouds in normal daylight, and clicked a preset called something like “Vintage Spy Haze.” Apparently a cloud is not mysterious enough on its own. The cloud needs help. The cloud needs a federal assistance program for mystery. The Pentagon, which has an annual budget larger than the GDP of most solar systems, felt the photos couldn’t carry the emotional weight without an Instagram filter from 2012.

3. The 1990 CGI Composite Sketch

Then we have the official composite photograph. The Department of War took a color photo of a random field that looks like it was taken sometime around 1974 and they decided to ‘enhance’ it with the kind of CGI you would find in a 1990s Bryce 3D mockup.

I stripped the fake Jason Bourne filter so you can see the garbage the government is actually trying to pass off as a "massive revelation" about UFOs.

They rendered what looks like a giant solid copper football hovering over the weeds. Then they realized it looked too much like a high school art project. Their solution was to slap a mysterious filter over the whole thing to blur the edges. It effectively created a piece of fan art that even Giorgio Tsoukalos would reject for being too fake.

It is staggering. We are witnessing the most powerful military force in history disclosing the presence of non-human intelligence by using a metallic pigskin and a hazy filter. They are treating the most significant event in human history since Jesus with the same level of professional effort a gas station manager uses to print out a grainy flyer about a guy who bounces checks.

It is not evidence. It is a distraction for people they assume are too stupid to know what a real camera looks like.

Pete Hegseth Is Now In Charge Of UFOs And Iran Is Out-Memeing The Leader Of The Free World. I love it.

Iran Is Currently Out-Memeing The Leader Of The Free World

While our Department of War is producing a slideshow of pixelated smudges, the Iranian government just dropped a viral AI-generated video calling our President a ‘fucking pedophile’.

(Their words, not mine, please don’t blame me for quoting reality.)

The Iranian video had a script. It had pacing. It had production values. The Ayatollah’s media team understands AI tools better than anyone in the Pentagon. Iran has been under sanctions since the disco era. Their citizens trade used Toyotas like they’re gold bullion. Yet their propaganda arm just outproduced our military content team using free tools and a shared laptop. This is asymmetric warfare, and the asymmetry is that Iran is asymmetrically funnier than us.

The Shiny Keys Theory

You know what this site is for. I know what this site is for. It’s a set of shiny keys being jiggled in front of your face.

Half of Washington has their names in the Epstein files. The other half knew about it and stayed silent because the people in those files pay for their summer homes. The country is one news cycle away from realizing the leadership class is implicated in a massive child-trafficking investigation, and the billionaire-owned media is, right on cue, yelling, “LOOK! A SPACESHIP!”

Friends, please. Stop falling for the slop.

Anyone with more than three spare brain cells knows these aren’t “aliens.” They are fallen angels and their weird mutant hybrid kids, freed from Hell by Babylonian death-cult tech wizards using the CERN doorbell. The Book of Enoch has been out for three thousand years. The spoilers are already public. The Pentagon wants you to believe that a white smudge over the ocean is a “spacefaring civilization” because the alternative is admitting half the government has been worshiping Satan for the last 50 years and the Pentagon isn’t quite ready to deal with 120 million armed, pissed off Americans coming to put their heads on poles just yet.

I am calm. I just need a minute. And some napkins for my nose.

Feed the Wolf (Before the Heart Infection Does)

If you just sat through 1,500 words about a federal website with less content than a “Going Out of Business” sign at a haunted Sears, consider a paid subscription. Lily is currently editing my fever dreams between journalism classes, and she’d really like to graduate without the kind of student loan debt that follows you into the next three reincarnations.

I’m slated for tooth surgery on Monday—provided my heart infection doesn’t pull the plug on me first. If the CERN tech-wizards accidentally rip the veil while I’m under the gas, please don’t let that FBI sketch artist get a look at me. I have enough problems without becoming a “grainy bowl-shaped anomaly” in a Pentagon slideshow.

By the way, go look at those coordinates at the top of the page again. Yes, that’s the Pentagon’s actual front door. No, they probably didn’t mean to do that. Or maybe they did? When a website is this much of a dumpster fire, you genuinely can’t tell if it’s a psyop or just a Gen Z kid named Jayden who forgot how to use Google Maps.

Help Keep The Wise Wolf Howling.

(Mostly so the neighbors know I’m still alive.)

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