Trump Announces “Very, Very Big” News: U.S. Government Has Freed Satan and His Giant Demon Offspring
"The end of the world, folks — it’s gonna be tremendous."
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday night that had been teased for days, former President Donald Trump finally revealed his long-awaited announcement: the United States government has officially freed Satan and his 900-foot-tall demon children from a subterranean prison beneath Mount Rushmore — and yes, this will mark the beginning of the End Times.
“We found him. We freed him. And frankly, he was very polite,” Trump said, standing in front of what appeared to be a glowing red portal and several Secret Service agents quietly weeping. “Nobody thought we could do it — Obama never even tried!”
According to Trump, the plan to liberate Lucifer was conceived during his first term but delayed due to “witch hunts, fake news, and people being very rude.” Trump claims the deal was brokered personally with Satan himself, whom he described as “a strong negotiator” and “a real winner — …
