Trump Announces “Very, Very Big” News: U.S. Government Has Freed Satan and His Giant Demon Offspring
"The end of the world, folks — it’s gonna be tremendous."
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday night that had been teased for days, former President Donald Trump finally revealed his long-awaited announcement: the United States government has officially freed Satan and his 900-foot-tall demon children from a subterranean prison beneath Mount Rushmore — and yes, this will mark the beginning of the End Times.
“We found him. We freed him. And frankly, he was very polite,” Trump said, standing in front of what appeared to be a glowing red portal and several Secret Service agents quietly weeping. “Nobody thought we could do it — Obama never even tried!”
According to Trump, the plan to liberate Lucifer was conceived during his first term but delayed due to “witch hunts, fake news, and people being very rude.” Trump claims the deal was brokered personally with Satan himself, whom he described as “a strong negotiator” and “a real winner — honestly, maybe too good.”
🔥 “Demon Jobs Will Return to America”
Trump promised that freeing the demonic horde would be “good for the economy,” predicting a boom in sulfur mining, brimstone exports, and “a tremendous new industry in lake-of-fire development.” He also pledged to bring back “the good old-fashioned plague jobs.”
“Demon jobs are coming back, folks. We’re going to have the biggest hell-based economy in history. China? They’re terrified. They’ve got zero demons. Sad!”
👹 Giant Offspring Rampaging Already
Within minutes of the announcement, the skies turned black, rivers ran red, and all major cities reported sightings of “enormous flaming skeleton infants” devouring infrastructure and demanding sacrifices.
The Pentagon issued a statement urging Americans to “remain calm, wear fireproof clothing, and prepare for forty years of apocalyptic darkness,” while Fox News called the development “a bold move for freedom.”
🧠 Expert Reactions
Scholars and theologians were stunned. Dr. Marsha Quayle of Harvard Divinity School said, “I did not think we’d actually breach the seventh seal this year, but I suppose the polling data was trending that way.”
When asked for comment, Pope Francis reportedly sighed, turned to dust, and blew away in the wind.
🚨 Closing Remarks
Wrapping up the press conference, Trump gestured to the sky as it cracked open with screaming light: “This is just the beginning, folks. Wait till you see what I do in 2028!”