AI is About to Get Very 'Personal'...

Researchers at leading AI firm Excretia announced a breakthrough for an unlikely candidate for fresh training data: your behind.

Please welcome The Wise Wolf’s newest contributor, tech reporter Michael K. Boateng. While other tech journalists chase press releases, Michael probes. He’s behind some of the biggest scoops in tech, and when this story crossed our desk, we knew he was the perfect fit for the assignment. What follows is investigative journalism from the rear guard of the AI revolution.

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The rise of data centers across America has been marked by controversy and protests, with many expressing concerns about environmental impact, water consumption, sustainability, and well-being. However, Excretia CEO Grant Soilsman explains the key role data centers play in Big Tech’s plans of world domination, creating a permanent underclass and ushering in a golden age of technology.

Grant Soilsman debuts Excretia's flagship ANUS wearable, the most personal computer ever made.

“Until recently, we had exhausted all other sources of data for training our AI models. We utilized all known human literature, the entirety of the Internet, quadrillions of pieces of data on human behavior, and more. But now we have discovered a lush and verdant new frontier: the human butt. These data centers help us store precious data that will be sourced from millions of human assholes worldwide.”

Soilsman claims the breakthrough will allow Excretia and key information-sharing partners to extract up to 5,000 data points per human colon. Using the Anterior Neural Unification System (ANUS for short) paired with a smart Bluetooth wearable inserted into the rectum, Excretia states that its platform sits as the gold standard for data-driven insights into human health and behavior.

The ANUS wearable is slated to track data on your diet, genetic risk factors, facial similarity to Joe Rogan, the number of times you check your ex’s Instagram story on a burner account, and more. Excretia’s ANUS offering follows a long line of smart wearables such as Fitbit and Whoop, with biohackers and optimizers scrambling for seats in Excretia’s testing program.

Longevity biohacker Jared Bronson, a passionate proponent of transhumanism, has been one of the earliest and most vocal adopters of the ANUS ecosystem.

Brand ambassadors Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj, and Sydney Sweeney claim the device ‘changed their lives, their step counts, and their relationships with every chair they own’.

Other testers in Excretia’s program include Russian social media personality Hasbulla, Big Bird from Sesame Street, Ellen DeGeneres, and that kid who played Stuart Little’s brother in the movie, what’s his name again?

Excretia insiders also leaked that Ryan Reynolds had been tapped as an early tester, yet he is now notably absent from Excretia marketing and social media releases. Reports suggest that Reynolds had incorrectly used the ANUS system, with researchers informing him that they had not yet released an edible version.

What Are the Ethics of Tech Entering Our Anuses?

Despite the buzz surrounding the ANUS, not everyone is convinced. Sandrine Cunningham, lead AI ethicist at the Turing Foundation, is concerned that the murky terms and conditions of these tech giants pose big questions about privacy and safety.

Excretia goes public at $500 billion, the biggest asset Wall Street has seen since J.Lo.

“When you have tech giants like Excretia collecting billions of data points each day, with the human asshole as the next frontier, one has to ask: who really owns that ass? Consumers should own their assholes and anything released or taken from there. Yet regulation tends to lag the market. This is what has allowed these companies to draw billions in investment and set a stranglehold on our policymaking.”

The Turing Foundation is now lobbying the US Government to introduce laws similar to the EU’s, with the aim of allowing consumers more control over how their data is stored, shared, and defecated.

Cunningham’s concerns about Big Tech are not without basis. In 2025, then-Chirp CEO Mathias Van der Fäkalien was named in a lawsuit when Chirp’s AI model, Faust, was used to generate graphic sexual images of women without their consent. When The Shedpost Times reached out to Van der Fäkalien for comment, he responded with “I uhhh, it was uhhh, I ummm, these AI models, they r-really have a mind of their own, and ummm, they uhhh.”

The interview was concluded after 25 minutes when Van der Fäkalien entered a catatonic state trying to complete his first sentence.

Military Applications

While the ANUS consumer-grade product is midway through testing, Excretia’s deep ties with the US Government hint at possible military applications for an anal neural interface. Files leaked by the hacker known as “Citizen One” include dossiers outlining prototype anal neural implants for controlling drones during armed conflicts.

Pentagon officials confirm they are 'closely monitoring' Excretia's technology, marking the first time in history the military has openly admitted to watching your ass

News of these leaks has gone viral on Chirp, yet Secretary of Defense Greg Smegma strongly denies the authenticity of the files.

Smegma chirped on Thursday of last week:

“The US Government has no contract with Excretia for any military-grade implants. However, the prospect of our service people sending our enemies to Hell hands-free would be an exciting upgrade to the US arsenal. Imagine our drone operators eating a hot dog while on the job. Maybe even two at the same time. This is the freedom our great country was founded on.”

Soilsman declined to comment when contacted by The Shedpost Times.

Unswayed by controversy, Excretia plans for Phase 2 testing to commence in Q4 2026, with a consumer-grade wearable slated for a mid-2027 release.

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