BREAKING NEWS: TRUMP SECURES TREMENDOUS DEAL WITH AELDARI WHILE IRAN TALKS HANG IN BALANCE
Critics who called the summit impossible have gone quiet as the Rose Garden delegation finalizes fleet maneuvers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what White House officials are calling the most significant diplomatic achievement since the Abraham Accords, and what xenobiologists are calling “completely insane,” the Aeldari emissaries who met with God-Emperor Trump in the Rose Garden last Thursday have brokered a temporary truce with humanity, setting aside ten thousand years of withering xenophobic disgust to address a more pressing concern.
That concern is, of course, the Orks.
According to sources within the Department of Defense, a greenskin Ork incursion has declared a full WAAAGH! on the craftworld vessels presently in orbit around Saturn, prompting the famously aloof Aeldari to do something they have not done in living memory, which is voluntarily speak to a human being without trying to exterminate them. The development comes the same week the administration is racing to finalize an entirely separate truce here on Earth, the long-promised deal with Iran to reopen the Strait of Hormuz, a memorandum that has been described as “never closer” roughly once a day for three weeks while never quite arriving.
“This is a tremendous truce, maybe the best truce anyone has ever seen, and we’re also doing one with Iran, very beautiful, the Strait, you’ll see,” the God-Emperor told reporters, standing beside a delegation of seven-foot psychic aliens who appeared to be physically recoiling from the podium. “They came to me. A lot of people don’t know that. The pointy ears, they came to me, and they said, ‘Sir, only you can help us,’ and I said, ‘Of course, because I’m very good at this.’”
The Aeldari delegation did not corroborate this account. When asked for comment, the lead emissary, a Farseer whose name human vocal cords are physically incapable of pronouncing, reportedly stared into the distance for several minutes before stating that humanity remains “barely tolerable” and that the alliance is “marginally preferable to being eaten by the greenskins.” Pentagon analysts have characterized this as “the warmest sentiment the Aeldari have expressed toward mankind in recorded history.”
For those unfamiliar, the Aeldari are an ancient, dying race of psychic racial supremacists who regard humans as loud, sweaty, short-lived apes who happen to have stumbled into space travel. They have spent the better part of forty thousand years viewing the entire human species the way most people view a clogged gas station toilet. That they have agreed to coordinate fleet maneuvers with the United States military is, by any reasonable measure, a sign that the Saturn situation is catastrophically bad. Diplomatic observers note the truce nearly collapsed twice in its first hour, once when a human officer attempted a handshake, and once when the God-Emperor referred to the craftworld as “a really beautiful boat.”
The Orks made for a poor negotiating partner. Fox News managed to book Warboss Bludcrumpa, the greenskin commander leading the assault, for what it billed as an exclusive sit-down interview, and for eleven minutes the anchor asked careful questions about war aims, supply lines, and what the Orks hoped to gain from the conflict. Bludcrumpa answered every one by bellowing “WAAAGH!” into the microphone, loud enough to crack two studio monitors.
This turned out to be the only honest answer available, because Orks do not fight wars for territory or leverage or any of the things that can be traded away at a table. They fight because fighting is the single greatest joy their species is capable of, a WAAAGH! of this magnitude being roughly equivalent to Christmas, the Super Bowl, and a fireworks store catching fire all at once, which is precisely why no deal was ever possible.
The interview ended when Bludcrumpa and his entourage killed roughly half the Fox News studio staff, boarded their Rok, and rode it up to a waiting Kill Kroozer that slipped behind the dark side of the moon and went silent.
The God-Emperor expressed full confidence in a swift resolution. “We’re going to win so much against these Orks. Believe me. Nobody WAAAGHs harder than us. The Aeldari, they know it. They see what we’ve got. Tremendous firepower. The best.” Pressed on whether the Saturn campaign might distract from the unfinished Iran deal, he clarified that he is “doing both, easily,” and that the Strait of Hormuz and the rings of Saturn are, in his assessment, “very similar, when you think about it.”
When pressed on how long the alien truce is expected to hold, a senior official requested anonymity before clarifying that the alliance will last “precisely as long as it is convenient, and not one second longer.” Historians note that Aeldari alliances have a well-documented tendency to end the exact moment the Aeldari calculate that betraying you produces a marginally better outcome on some incomprehensible cosmic spreadsheet only they can read, a quality that several Middle East negotiators noted sounded “deeply familiar.”
At press time, the craftworld fleet was holding position over Saturn, the Ork fleet remains unseen behind the dark side of the moon, the Iran memorandum remained four points short of signing, and the God-Emperor had reportedly suggested both conflicts be resolved with “a really beautiful trade deal.”
The Wise Wolf will keep you posted with further developments.
I just posted it on X. See how much hate I get in return. 😊
Ha ha, God-Emperor ... or as I like to call him, The Golden Hairball.
Thanks for the great satire, Wolfie.
~~ Doc