Nuclear War in Iran? Everyone Is Watching Professor Jiang's Predictions.

However, Nobody Is Watching Professor Jiang.

Professor Jiang predicted the Iran war a year before it happened. He also got deported from China as a suspected CIA asset. Funny how nobody's talking about that part.

I swear I am not making this up…

In May 2024, a man named Jiang Xueqin stood in front of a classroom in Beijing and predicted that Donald Trump would win the election, that America would attack Iran, and that America would lose. This is the kind of prediction that, if you made it at a dinner party, would cause your spouse to start a quiet conversation with the hostess about whether you had been sleeping enough. But the bombs started falling. And suddenly a hundred thousand people subscribed to this man’s channel in three days, and Newsweek called him “China’s Nostradamus,” and Tucker Carlson gave him an hour of airtime, and three million Americans watched and said, “Finally, a man with answers.”

Three million Americans did not Google him first.

I want to stress that I am not making any of this up.

Jiang’s predictive methodology is called “psychohistory,” which is a word Isaac Asimov invented in 1942 for a science fiction novel about a galactic empire collapsing. It is not a real science. It is not even a fake science. It is a FICTIONAL science, from a NOVEL, which Asimov MADE UP, because he was a FICTION WRITER, and that is the kind of thing FICTION WRITERS DO. Jiang named his approach after the source material, which suggests either (a) he is not trying very hard to disguise the origin, or (b) he genuinely believes a method of predicting global warfare can be sourced from the same shelf as Dune and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which, now that I think about it, would explain a lot about the last few years of American foreign policy.

He calls himself Professor Jiang. His Harvard connection is a listing at an education reform think tank, which is to a Harvard professorship what finding a quarter in the parking lot is to owning the Olive Garden. His Yale degree is real. Class of 1999. English literature. He is qualified to have strong opinions about Edith Wharton. He is not qualified to tell three million people how nuclear war works, but three million people did not ask for his transcript, because this is America, and in America we have a proud tradition of getting our geopolitical analysis from whoever has the most confident voice and the least amount of blinking.

But here is where it gets weird. And by “weird” I mean “the kind of weird where you start checking whether your homeowner’s insurance covers the apocalypse.”

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The Spy Who Went Back for Seconds

In June 2002, Chinese secret police arrested Jiang while he was filming a workers’ protest undercover for PBS. PBS receives partial U.S. government funding, which is the kind of detail that matters when a government is deciding whether you are a journalist or a spy. I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that when the Chinese counterintelligence apparatus looks at a Yale graduate working for a U.S.-funded media outlet who is secretly filming politically sensitive material, they do not conclude he is there for the egg rolls.

They deported him.

Jiang himself disclosed this in a 2017 CNN op-ed, which Newsweek’s glowing profile of him did not find room to mention. Perhaps the magazine had a very strict word count that week. Perhaps they were distracted by a pressing story about a dog who can skateboard. I do not know. I am just a humor columnist.

Now, here is the thing about being deported from China as a suspected American intelligence operative. The normal career path after that is: you go home, you become a consultant, you maybe start a podcast, and you never, ever set foot near anything the Chinese government considers sensitive, which is pretty much everything including the thermostat. That is what happens. You take up gardening. You learn to make sourdough. You do NOT go back.

Jiang went back.

He went back and became assistant principal at the High School Affiliated with Peking University, and then at Tsinghua University. I need you to understand what these schools are, because this is the part where, if this were a movie, the ominous music would start playing and the audience would begin throwing popcorn at the screen yelling “DON’T GO IN THERE.” These are the international programs that educate the children of the Chinese political and technical elite. The offspring of the people who actually run the most populous nation on earth. A man China deported as a probable American spy walked back in and was handed authority over the education of the ruling class’s children.

Somebody made a phone call. I do not know who picked up. I know that the number of people on this planet who have the authority to make that arrangement could comfortably carpool in a Honda Accord.

Then there is his internet presence, which is the kind of thing that would make a counterintelligence analyst do a spit-take with their government-issue coffee. His YouTube account says Canada. His videos are filmed in Beijing. His main Twitter account lists Beijing, but X’s geolocation data places it in Hong Kong. His second Twitter account also says Beijing. X says that one is in Australia. That is three accounts broadcasting from three different countries simultaneously, which in the intelligence community is called a “distributed influence operation,” and in the regular-person community is called “something that should have made at least one of those three million viewers say ‘huh, that’s odd.’”

Some Assembly Required

Here is why three million people are watching Jiang and feeling like they finally get it. They DO get it. Partly. The instinct is correct. Something is profoundly wrong. These are people who watched wars start that nobody voted for. They watched trillions of dollars leave the U.S. Treasury and arrive at no destination any auditor can locate, which, if you or I did that with $47 from a lemonade stand, would result in prison time and a very uncomfortable conversation with the IRS. They watched powerful people who swore under oath they had never met each other turn out to have been sharing hotel suites for decades. The sense that the world is being run by people whose names are not on any ballot is not paranoia. It is pattern recognition. It is the correct conclusion drawn from observable evidence by people who are paying attention.

The trap is not in the noticing. The trap is in who shows up to explain it.

This is an old game, and it works like this. You find a population that is correctly alarmed. You build a figure who validates their alarm. You give that figure some real predictions so the credibility sticks, the way you put a real worm on a fishhook, because artificial worms do not work as well, which is something I learned on a fishing trip with my father that also taught me never to go on a fishing trip with my father. Then you let the figure describe the problem in terms so vast and so cosmic that nobody can turn any of it into a specific action against a specific person at a specific address. The audience feels informed. Feels seen. Shares the clip. Goes to bed. Does not organize. Does not name the names that would make actual powerful people actually uncomfortable. The pressure releases through the entertainment, the way steam releases through a valve, and the machine keeps running, and you wake up the next morning and watch another clip, and the cycle continues until the sun burns out or you run out of WiFi, whichever comes first.

QAnon ran this exact play on millions of people. Every cryptic insider who materialized at exactly the right moment with exactly the right forbidden information ran this play. It works every single time, and it works best on the people who are absolutely positive they are too smart for it, which is not a bug in the system. It is the FEATURE. Professor Jiang is the most recent model of a machine that has been in production for decades, and the new model has a science-fiction methodology and a Harvard connection that is not actually a Harvard connection and three countries’ worth of IP addresses, and it costs three million people zero dollars to watch and zero effort to share, and that pricing model is not an accident.

A prophet trying to change the outcome sounds an alarm. A man whose job is to make you accept the outcome reads an announcement. Jiang has told three million people that the outcome is sealed. He has framed three questions (does the air campaign become a ground invasion, does someone use a nuclear weapon, does Al-Aqsa Mosque get destroyed) and presented them not as warnings but as milestones. He is not trying to stop what is coming. He is narrating it. He is the play-by-play announcer for the apocalypse, and his biography does not survive five minutes on Google, and his online presence is a geographic impossibility, and he is being amplified by systems that do not amplify independent creators, and all of this is happening in real time while the bombs are falling.

That is not a prophet. That is a public address system. And public address systems do not install themselves.

The Secret Brotherhood That Carved Its Name Into a Building and Then Said “What Building”

To understand what Jiang is actually doing, you have to understand who built the public address system. And for that, you have to look at something most people think they already understand, which means they do not understand it at all. This is true of many things, including the tax code, the rules of cricket, and the internal politics of your local homeowner’s association, which is run by a woman named Deborah who will destroy you.

People picture Freemasonry as elderly gentlemen in lodge halls doing charitable work and learning unusual handshakes. The fish fry and the funny apron. This is real. I have attended fish fries. They are fine. But this is the ground floor of a building with a lot of floors, and the people on the upper floors are not making coleslaw.

So the same people that created Freemasonry also created the Chinese Communist Party and somehow no one ever noticed this before me? I call bullshit.

The Hongmen, the Chinese secret brotherhood that fathered the modern Triads, called themselves Chinese Freemasons. Not metaphorically. Not the way your uncle calls his poker group “the council.” Operationally. They used the square and compasses. They ran blood oaths, trouser-leg initiations, lodge hierarchies with Worshipful Masters and Wardens. Their own historians document the recognition signals as borrowed from direct Western Masonic contact. Sun Yat-sen, the man who founded the Republic of China, was senior Hongmen. So was Chiang Kai-shek. The Hung League built their Sydney headquarters in 1911 and carved the words “Chinese Masonic Society” into the front of the building, which is documented, and which I mention because Western Masonic bodies officially deny this connection.

They deny it the way a man denies knowing the building with his name on the front. “Never heard of it. What building. That is a different Steve Johnson who happens to have the same name and face and dental records.”

The architecture of hidden loyalty, blood ritual, layered hierarchy, and allegiance to something above the nation you appear to serve is not a Western phenomenon or an Eastern phenomenon. It is a HUMAN technology. It shows up everywhere, in every century, across every civilization, the way the wheel shows up everywhere, because it works. And at the very top of these structures, across countries and across centuries, the theology converges on a point that the highest-ranking members have been strangely willing to put in writing, which is not the kind of thing you normally expect from a SECRET society but, hey, these are complicated organizations and I am sure they have their reasons.

Albert Pike was the Sovereign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite’s Southern Jurisdiction and the most influential Masonic author of the nineteenth century. He wrote a book called Morals and Dogma, which the Freemasons hand to their fourteenth-degree initiates. It is still in print. It has four stars on Amazon and over two hundred reviews. This is a real book you can purchase with real money from a real website that will also sell you a combination back-scratcher and bottle-opener if you spend another $7.99 to qualify for free shipping.

On page 321, Pike wrote, and again I am not making this up: “LUCIFER, the Light-bearer! Strange and mysterious name to give to the Spirit of Darkness! Lucifer, the Son of the Morning! Is it he who bears the Light... Doubt it not!”

This is in the book. Page 321. They hand it to initiates. You can have it by Thursday if you have Prime.

A separate document records Pike declaring Lucifer to be God and stating that the Masonic religion must be maintained in the purity of Luciferian doctrine by all initiates of the high degrees. Masons dispute the authenticity of that second passage. They do not dispute the first. The first one is on page 321 of the book they hand out, which is available for purchase right now from the same company that sells you paper towels in bulk and knows what you watched on television last Thursday.

Two Down, One to Go, and I Really Wish I Were Making This Up, but I Am Not

There is a document attributed to Pike, allegedly sent to Italian revolutionary Giuseppe Mazzini in August 1871, describing three world wars needed to bring about a new global order under that same Luciferian doctrine from page 321.

Here are the problems with the document, and I am giving them to you first, because unlike certain three-country professors with fictional methodologies, I believe in telling you where the holes are BEFORE I show you the thing with holes in it. The British Museum has no record of the letter. The chain of evidence runs through a Chilean Cardinal in 1925, then through Royal Canadian Navy intelligence officer William Guy Carr, who later admitted he never personally saw the original. Masons say it is a forgery. It may be. Handle it accordingly. Do not build a religion on it. Do not build a bomb shelter on it. Just read what it says and then look out the window.

The document says the first war would destroy the Russian Czar and replace the empire with atheistic Communism.

The document says the second would pit fascism against political Zionism, ending with Israel as a sovereign state and Communism as a global counterweight to Western Christendom.

The document says the third would be fomented between political Zionism and Islam, manipulating both into destroying each other, dragging the rest of the world into total exhaustion, collapsing institutional Christianity along with everything else, and into the resulting vacuum presenting the Luciferian doctrine to a population that has been emptied out and has nowhere left to turn.

The first happened. World War I destroyed the Czar. The Bolsheviks installed Communism.

The second happened. World War II played out along exactly those lines. Israel was established in 1948. The Cold War made Communism the global counterbalance.

Whether Pike wrote that document or someone else wrote it and stapled his name to it the way a college roommate staples your name to a pizza order you did not agree to, somebody has been following these blueprints for over a century with a level of precision that would make a Swiss watchmaker weep with professional envy. Two out of three have come to pass with mechanical specificity. The third is on the nightly news RIGHT NOW. And Professor Jiang, the three-country man with the fictional methodology and the impossible resume, is on Tucker Carlson’s show telling three million people that what the document describes as step three is underway and the ending is already decided.

The word “coincidence” is not rated for this much weight. It is like trying to park a 747 on a card table. The table has opinions about this.

The Part Where It Gets Even Weirder, Which I Did Not Think Was Possible, but Here We Are

In the occult traditions that run through high-degree Freemasonry, there is a doctrine called “lesser magic.” The doctrine says the practitioner must announce intent before acting. If the target hears the announcement and does nothing, the silence constitutes consent. The inaction is the agreement. The terms of the working are satisfied. This is an actual thing that actual people actually believe, and these actual people are not your neighbor Gary who thinks his lawn gnomes are watching him. These are people who run institutions.

This is why the symbolism is always visible and never hidden. On the dollar in your wallet. In the geometry of government buildings. In the logos of institutions that have no obvious reason to share a visual language with each other unless they all hired the same very specific graphic designer, which they did not. The announcement IS the ritual. It is not a failure of operational security. It IS the operation.

Jiang is performing lesser magic on national television. He is standing in front of three million people and announcing that the script is running, the war is proceeding to its designed conclusion, and the global order is collapsing according to plan. Every viewer who hears it, nods thoughtfully, and returns to their regular evening of streaming television and wondering whether they should buy a Peloton has, under the rules of the system being operated, signed the consent form. They were told. They did not object. That is all the doctrine requires.

This is the worst Terms of Service agreement in history, and unlike the one for iTunes, this one actually matters.

God is Still Watching Everything They Do

I have spent nearly two decades in the Hebrew and Aramaic texts underneath these networks, which is a sentence I never expected to write in a humor column, but these are unusual times and the material demands it. The Canaanite death religion is not mythology that scholars invented to explain confusing Old Testament passages over faculty cocktails. Baal worship. Moloch worship. The sacrifice of children to gods whose names we have in the archaeological record. These are not metaphors. The prophets of Israel named these practices in their own people because they watched them happen in real time and wrote down what they saw. 2 Kings 23:10. Jeremiah 32:35. Psalm 106:37-38. The practices were documented and real, and the theological lineage from ancient Canaan through Pike’s published doctrine to whatever is being broadcast from Jiang’s three simultaneous countries is traceable in the symbols, the rites, and the words the highest-ranking members keep putting in print and selling on Amazon WITH FREE SHIPPING.

The people executing this plan are brilliant. I want to be very clear about that. They are brilliant the way a chess grandmaster is brilliant. Precise, disciplined, patient across centuries, capable of planning moves that will not pay off until long after the planner is dead and has been replaced by another planner who was recruited at age nineteen and told the plan and given a funny apron and a copy of page 321. This is a genuinely impressive operation. It has been running for over 150 years and it has hit its marks with terrifying accuracy.

It also has a problem.

The problem is the same problem faced by every villain in every movie who builds the doomsday weapon and forgets to read the part of the manual that says “Warning: Do Not Point This at Yourself.” If the devil is real, God is real. That is not a bumper sticker you put on your minivan between the one about your honor student and the one about your other kid who beat up your honor student. It is a logical premise. If one side of the ledger exists, the other side exists. And it is a premise the architects of this plan appear not to have fully considered, which is a remarkable oversight for people who have otherwise planned everything down to the century and the country code.

Every secret society in recorded history that has decided it could engineer the endgame of the human race eventually discovered, at the worst possible moment, that it was not actually running the simulation. The wrath being invited by this 150-year project does not check your degree status. It does not respect centuries of institutional momentum. It does not negotiate. It does not care about your blood oaths or your trouser-leg initiations or your four-star Amazon reviews. It is not impressed.

They have not read to the end of the Book. They really, really should.

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The Part Where I Tell You What to Do, Which Is My Least Favorite Part, Because I Am a Humor Columnist and My Usual Advice Is “Go Back to Bed”

Do not let Jiang convince you the outcome is written. It is being sold. The people selling it need you passive. They need you impressed by a man whose biography is a construction project with no building permits. They need you certain enough of inevitability that you do nothing, which is the only thing they actually need, because doing nothing is the consent, and the consent is the ritual, and the ritual is the whole point.

The one question they cannot survive enough people answering is what you do now that you know you are watching lesser magic performed live on a screen you can turn off.

Turn it off.

Then answer it.

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