The Article That Definitely Won't Get Me Killed Because Everything in It Is Fiction (Please Don't Kill Me)
An Entirely Fictional Story About an Entirely Fictional President Whose Family Definitely Did Not Turn a War Into a Casino
Any Resemblance to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental and Probably Their Fault
The following is a work of political satire protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. All characters are fictional. All events are hypothetical. All betting platforms are imaginary. If you recognize anyone in this story, that says more about the state of your country than it does about my writing. I am a work of fiction. You are a work of fiction. Everything is fine.
Let me tell you a story about a man named Ronald Gump.
Ronald Gump was a real estate developer who became a reality television star who became the President of the United States, which is the kind of career trajectory that makes sense only in a country where the people who pick the leader also pick the winner of Dancing with the Stars and sometimes get those two activities confused. Gump was beloved by millions. He told them he was the greatest president in history, possibly the greatest human in history, possibly sent by God Himself to save America from the forces of evil, and his supporters believed this with the kind of unwavering certainty that is usually reserved for people who think professional wrestling is real.
Polly Market was an offshore crypto platform where anyone could create an anonymous account and bet on anything, including (and I cannot stress this enough) whether the United States military would bomb a foreign country on a specific date. Kalshit was the “regulated” version, which means it had a piece of paper from a government agency saying it was allowed to let people gamble on war. Junior advised both of them. At the same time. While his father was the President. While his father was starting wars.
(But remember, this is fiction.)
In this completely fictional story, Daddy Gump launched a military operation against a country in the Middle East. I won’t say which country because this is a work of imagination and I don’t want to get specific about imaginary wars. Missiles were fired. Infrastructure was destroyed. Oil prices went through the roof. The stock market went haywire. And on the two betting platforms that the President’s son happened to advise, people were placing bets on every single aspect of the conflict: when the bombs would drop, when they’d stop, whether a foreign leader would be removed, whether a ceasefire would happen, whether a strait that controls 20% of the world’s energy would reopen.
And here is where the story gets interesting, which in political fiction usually means “here is where people start committing felonies.”
Approximately 15 minutes before Daddy Gump posted on social media that he was pausing the bombing, $580 million in oil futures trades hit the market. At 6:49 in the morning. On a Monday. The trading volume at 6:50 AM was six times the normal volume for that time of day. Fifteen minutes later, Gump posted and the markets moved exactly in the direction those trades predicted. A fictional congressman named Ritchie Zorres looked at this and said, and I am quoting him exactly (fictionally), “the only plausible answer is an insider trader. Any other alternative is a statistical impossibility.” Nobody was charged. Nobody was investigated. The fictional regulatory agency that would handle this had been gutted from 36 lawyers to two, which is a coincidence that I’m sure has a perfectly innocent explanation that I will wait patiently to hear until the sun explodes.
It happened again. Before the next ceasefire announcement, $950 million was bet on oil prices falling. Fifty brand new Polly Market accounts (their first-ever bets, all created within minutes of each other) placed heavy wagers on a ceasefire before it was announced. One anonymous account called “MagaMoneyMan” made $500,000 in a single day betting on the removal of a foreign leader. Nobody knows who MagaMoneyMan is. Nobody can find out because the account is an anonymous crypto wallet on an offshore platform that is partially registered in Panama, which is the country where you register things when you don’t want anyone to know who owns them.
The fictional White House responded to all of this by sending a staff-wide email reminding employees not to insider trade. Let me say that again. The White House sent a memo that said “please don’t use classified information to make money on the war.” You don’t send that email preemptively. You send that email because someone already did it and you need a paper trail that says you told them not to. That’s not a warning. That’s a legal defense. That’s the email that gets read aloud at a congressional hearing three years from now while someone’s lawyer argues that his client was told not to do the thing he already did.
(Still fiction. All of it. Completely made up.)
Meanwhile, in this fictional universe, the President’s son-in-law, a gentleman we’ll call Jared Plusher, was serving as a special envoy to the Middle East. His job was negotiating with the governments of the countries affected by the war. His other job, the one he did simultaneously, was raising billions of dollars for his private equity fund from those same governments. The man negotiating the terms of the war was fundraising from the people on the other side of the table. In any other context this would be called a shakedown. In Washington it’s called diplomacy.
The President’s other sons invested in drone companies. Drone companies that compete for Pentagon contracts. Pentagon contracts related to the war. The war their father started. The war their brother was taking bets on. Every member of this family had a revenue stream attached to the conflict like a series of garden hoses all connected to the same fire hydrant, and the fire hydrant was labeled “dead people.”
But here’s the thing that really got me. Not the betting. Not the drones. Not the fundraising.
It’s that the man who built the entire regulatory structure to protect this operation, who appointed the head of the agency that oversees the betting platforms, who is suing states that try to regulate the platforms, who installed a former betting platform employee inside the government agency that oversees the SEC, whose administration canceled 159 enforcement actions against 166 companies (30 of which donated to his campaign), whose DOJ gutted the Public Integrity Section from 36 lawyers to two, whose SEC lost its top enforcement official after she was blocked from pursuing cases that touched his circle... this is the same man whose name appeared in a different set of records about twenty years ago. Records belonging to a man named Joffrey Poopstain.
Fourteen phone numbers in the black book. Flight logs. A membership at the club. Twenty years of friendship. A quote in a magazine saying the guy “likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” An Attorney General who gave the trafficking case a sweetheart deal and was later rewarded with a cabinet position. A civil case alleging the rape of a 13-year-old girl that was dropped after the plaintiff received death threats. And a death in a jail cell that roughly zero percent of the American population believes happened the way they said it did.
But don’t worry. He was “investigating” Poopstain the whole time. For twenty years. On the plane. On the island. At the parties. Investigating. Very thoroughly. The longest undercover operation in history, apparently, conducted by a man who also needed five draft deferments to avoid serving in Vietnam. The bravery is staggering.
(Fiction. Remember? Fiction.)
I’m not laughing anymore. I need to tell you something.
I started this article as satire because satire is the last legal protection I have. I can’t write what I actually think is happening because the last journalist who got too close to the wrong story ended up dead or in prison or bankrupted by legal fees designed to shut him up. I know this because I’ve gotten the legal threats. I’ve gotten the coordinated harassment. I’ve watched my name get dragged through every intelligence-adjacent smear operation that exists on the internet. I am writing this from a place that most journalists wouldn’t be caught dead in. And I mean that literally.
What I am watching is the systematic conversion of the United States government into a for-profit criminal enterprise. The war is a revenue generator. The betting platforms are the collection mechanism. The regulatory agencies have been hollowed out so nobody can stop it. The courts have been stacked so nobody can challenge it. The enforcement divisions have been gutted so nobody can prosecute it. And the media reports each piece separately so nobody sees the whole picture, because the companies that own the media need the same government’s permission to operate.
There is a verse in the book of James, chapter 5, verses 1 through 6, that I used to read as poetry. I don’t read it as poetry anymore. “Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches have rotted and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver have corroded, and their corrosion will be evidence against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure in the last days.”
Laid up treasure in the last days. That’s what this is. $580 million in oil futures at 6:49 in the morning. $950 million before a ceasefire. $500,000 on an anonymous crypto wallet named MagaMoneyMan. Billions raised from Gulf governments by the son-in-law of the man who bombed the Gulf. Drone company investments by the sons of the man who orders the drone strikes. An entire regulatory apparatus demolished so the money can flow without interruption. Treasure. Laid up. In the last days.
“The merchants of the earth will weep and mourn over her because no one buys their cargo anymore, cargo of gold, silver, precious stones and pearls, fine linen, purple, silk and scarlet cloth... and slaves, that is, human souls.” Human souls. The same chapter that lists gold and silver and luxury goods ends with the trafficking of human beings. Money and flesh. Commerce and exploitation. The market and the body. It was always the same system. Poopstain ran the flesh side. The betting platforms run the money side. And at the center of both of them, for decades, is the same family, smiling, waving, telling you they were sent by God.
The kings of the earth who committed fornication and lived in luxury with her will weep and wail when they see the smoke of her burning. They will stand far off, in fear of her torment, and say “Alas, alas, that great city Babylon, that mighty city! For in one hour your judgment has come.”
They’re building bunkers right now. Zuckerberg in Hawaii. Thiel in New Zealand. The billionaire class is buying land in Patagonia and Tasmania and building underground fortresses with ten-year food supplies and private airstrips. They know what’s coming. They’re laying up their treasure and building their mountains to hide under. They think concrete and money will protect them from what’s next. It won’t. Nothing they build will be deep enough.
I don’t know what’s coming. I know what I see. I see a government turned into a casino. I see a war turned into a revenue stream. I see betting platforms advised by the president’s son taking wagers on the president’s military decisions while anonymous accounts make millions and the agencies that would investigate have been deliberately destroyed. I see the same name connected to the largest sex trafficking operation in American history and the largest suspected insider trading operation in American history and nobody in any position of authority lifting a finger because the fingers have all been paid for.
I see a country being eaten alive by the people it elected to protect it. And I see half the population defending it because they’ve been convinced that the man doing the eating was sent by Jesus, despite the fact that Jesus explicitly warned them about exactly this: false prophets who come in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. Matthew 7:15. He told you. Two thousand years ago. He told you exactly what this would look like. And you voted for it twice. Hell, I voted for it twice.
I stood in line and I pulled the lever and I believed every word because I WANTED to believe it. Then the Joffrey Poopstain files came out and I spent two weeks reading them for ten hours a day and I wept. I am not a man who weeps. I wept. Because what was in those files was so depraved, so evil, so stomach-churningly detailed that I could not finish a single sitting without walking away from my screen and staring at a wall. And when I was done reading, I looked at the exposed evidence and I looked at who was connected to it and I wised up. I got smart. I recognized a liar and a con and a cheat. And now I am trying to make amends for my stupidity by warning you about what I helped put in power, and I hope to God that some of you reading this are going to do the same damn thing, because we screwed up. We put a monster in the White House and he will not rest until he has every shekel on Earth in his pocket and every institution that could stop him burned to the ground.
Here is where I’m supposed to write a cheerful call to action about subscribing. I don’t feel cheerful. I feel like a man who can see a building on fire while everyone inside argues about the thermostat.
If you got something from this article, share it. Not for me. For the people who still think this is about politics. It’s not about politics. It hasn’t been about politics for a long time. It’s about whether you live in a country or a crime scene.
If I stop posting, it’s because something happened to me. Not because I got tired. Not because I moved on. Not because I “decided to take a break.” I don’t take breaks. I have never once in my life voluntarily stopped talking. If this account goes quiet, ask questions. Loudly. To everyone.
Everything I cited in this fictional, satirical, completely made-up story can be verified at the following completely real news organizations: NPR, CNBC, CNN, Bloomberg, Axios, TIME, CBS News, Reuters, the Wall Street Journal, Al Jazeera, PBS, NBC News, and the United States Securities and Exchange Commission’s public filing database. Every fact in this fiction is documented. The fiction is the only thing keeping me alive.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And if it’s not coincidental, then God help us all. Because no one else is going to.
Don’t Believe Me? Good. Read It Yourself.
Every single claim in this completely fictional story is documented by real journalists at real news organizations. Here are the receipts. Click them. Read them. Then come back and tell me which part I made up.
$580 million in oil futures trades 15 minutes before the Iran pause announcement: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/insider-trading-oil-futures-trump-iran-post/
$950 million bet on oil prices falling before the ceasefire: https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/10/iran-war-prediction-markets-white-house.html
Rep. Torres calls it potentially “the largest insider trading in history,” demands SEC probe: https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/08/iran-ceasefire-futures-markets-ritchie-torrres.html
“An epidemic of suspicious trading” around the President’s decisions (Kushner fundraising, drone investments, crypto ties, enforcement gutted): https://www.axios.com/2026/03/25/trump-iran-oil-insider-trading
50 new Polly Market accounts bet on ceasefire before announcement, White House warning email: https://time.com/article/2026/04/10/white-house-oil-prediction-markets-polymarket-bets-insider-trading-war/
The President’s son advises both betting platforms, “MagaMoneyMan” makes $500K, former platform employee joins government oversight agency: https://www.aljazeera.com/economy/2026/3/4/traders-mint-money-on-betting-platforms-on-us-israel-strike-on-iran
White House staff warned not to insider trade on prediction markets: https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/10/iran-war-prediction-markets-white-house.html
Administration sues three states that tried to regulate prediction markets: https://www.npr.org/2026/04/02/nx-s1-5771635/trump-cftc-kalshi-polymarket-lawsuits
Insider trading concerns reported by NPR: https://www.npr.org/2026/03/26/nx-s1-5759311/trades-made-before-trump-delayed-plans-to-attack-iran-raise-insider-trading-concerns
Bloomberg reports lawmaker urges SEC probe into “suspicious” trading: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2026-04-08/lawmaker-urges-sec-to-probe-suspicious-trading-amid-iran-war
NBC News investigation into insider trading on prediction markets: https://www.nbcnews.com/business/consumer/insider-trading-prediction-markets-trump-rules-rcna265452
CNN reports on prediction market ties to administration, “death markets,” and Poopstain-level corruption: https://www.cnn.com/2026/03/07/politics/iran-war-prediction-markets-polymarket-kalshi
PBS News on prediction markets and the Iran war: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/economy/iran-war-puts-prediction-markets-back-in-the-spotlight
That’s NPR. CNBC. CNN. CBS. Bloomberg. Axios. TIME. Al Jazeera. PBS. NBC News. These aren’t Substack bloggers. These aren’t conspiracy sites. These are the same outlets that your television is tuned to right now while you’re reading this article and deciding I’m crazy. They ALL reported it. They just never put it in one place. I did. You’re welcome.
Now go read them and come back and tell me which part is fiction.
Help keep the Wise Wolf howling.
If you are reading this… You have more reach than I do. You can break this story. Do one more for us please… You’re the greatest journalist in history and my idol. Please. The world needs you.
— The Wise Wolf
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Such a wonderful work of fiction… you have a fertile imagination…clearly completely untrue maybe run for a fictional next presidency .. I for one would vote for you XX
But where is Princess Ivy? Not in the picture. Daddy’s little girl should be sitting on his lap!